“If I’m so amazing, why am I still single?” This is a question many singles struggle with and something I personally used to ask myself time and time again over the course of several years, especially after comments like these ones:
“I can’t believe you’re single!”
“Don’t lie, you must have someone tucked away.”
“I bet you have men lined up at your doorstep.”
Whether these comments came from a place of pity, disbelief, or compassion, the result was the same: I felt awkward and couldn’t help but wonder: “Is there something wrong with me?”
Over the years, and through my work as a relationship coach, I’ve begun to uncover some truths and answers. Do you want to know why so many people struggle with finding incredible relationships? It’s not because there aren’t any good women or men out there, or because they are in the wrong city, profession, and phase in their life. And it’s definitely not because the kind of love and relationship they want doesn’t exist.
Every person’s journey is different, and this content might not apply to you, but these are the three issues I’ve most often encountered in people struggling to find love.
Ambivalence can be hard to spot; it takes a great deal of self-awareness. An ambivalent person may say that they want a relationship (and mean it); they may go on numerous dates, try an online dating site, and so on. Yet — either consciously or subconsciously — they wonder: “Am I better off single?” “Will this limit my career?” “Will I be miserable?” “Will I compromise too much?” “Will I be too vulnerable?” “Will I lose my freedom?” “Is love even worth it?”
Ambivalent relationship seekers want love, but only if they can avoid pain, maintain their lifestyle, keep their freedom, achieve their career goals, not spend any extra money, and stay in control. It’s when you want romance and love, but value something else just as much — or more. As these values compete, they sabotage anything that gets in the way, such as a relationship. When I would cancel dates (or when they got conveniently canceled), I was secretly happy because I could explore other stuff I loved to do.
When coaching people through this, I often find the same competing values, including professional and health/lifestyle goals. People who are aware of their patterns make statements such as:
– I’ve met some great men/women, but maybe I can do better.
– I’m ready to commit, but I’m not willing to stop doing what I love.
– I want to be married, but I’m terrified of it going poorly again.
– I’m concerned that the sacrifices won’t be worth it.
When ambivalence is subconscious, it can be even more difficult to spot its sabotaging ways. If you find yourself ending relationships before they’ve even had a chance to flourish; using your career, business, or children as an excuse to not be more involved; or going to great lengths to protect your freedom, there is a chance you are ambivalent and unintentionally ruining your chances of forming a relationship.
Your head is filled with limiting beliefs.
If you wholeheartedly want a relationship and haven’t had much success, it could be due to your beliefs. Our beliefs create our reality. If you believe that you will never find the right person or that you’re too old, fat, tall, short, etc., then this will become your reality.
Becoming aware of your unconscious beliefs (and changing them) is key to finding someone. It’s also an area I address in all of my coaching sessions. The more deep-rooted they are, the more they will interfere with your conscious desire for love and connection.
A lady I once worked with believed that “all men will leave you for younger women eventually” and subsequently had this happen to her three times. Other women believe men only want one thing and, in turn, have this experience. Several men in my program believe that all women want is money, and so they attract these types of women. What we believe becomes our reality, so it’s crucial that we do the work to uncover those beliefs and finally break the cycle.
You have not been persistent or patient enough.
The way to successfully achieve any goal — whether it’s financial, professional, or physical — is to know exactly what you want, take consistent action to get there, and be in a state of not needing it (i.e. lack). Finding a relationship is no different, yet very few singles are willing to keep going when they experience disappointment or don’t get the results they want in a few weeks or months.
Finding love requires a balance of patience and persistence. Patience without persistence is often laziness, procrastination, or ambivalence, while persistence without patience can easily lead to desperation, panic, anxiety, despair, and neediness. Whenever we get to a point of needing something, we push it away. The right combination of persistence and patience leads to results, especially when you set yourself up for success beforehand.
The search for love doesn’t have to be a struggle. If you sincerely want a partner, you are already past the toughest hurdle. But, if you aren’t certain, you need to take a close look at the issue of ambivalence and how to move beyond it. Eliminating inner conflicts and creating a solid strategy for getting there is an important step.
Remember, your relationship status does not define you or make you any less than who you are or any less worthy of love.
A world-renowned expert in relationship psychology and transformation, Nicola Beer has helped thousands of men and women across the globe live love-filled and vibrant lives through healing relationships, childhood trauma, and their relationship with food. In addition to co-authoring four international bestselling books, she has been featured on ABC, CBS, NBC, Fox News Network, Huffington Post, and Wall Street Select. To schedule a complimentary phone call, e-mail nb@